LongHaired Sue Terrorizes MWPP Era
by We Didn't Start the Fire
Summary: Details at 11. I imagine the Sue was destined to end up with Sirius and/or Remus. Currently publishing old, unfinished material, so please do not expect updates.


Catia whipped around and glared at James, "Don't even try it!"

Sirius and James looked at each other, amazed, "You're right," said Sirius, "She does have a hair-touching sixth sense."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Catia asked with a scowl.

"James was saying that you can tell when someone's about to touch your hair or your hair acce – accessor – whatchathingies," explained Sirius.

"_Accessories_," said Catia with a roll of her eyes.

"Gesundheit," said James.

"Who sneezed?" asked Lily, walking up with her short red curls bouncing.

"No one," said Sirius without bothering to explain.

"They were trying to steal my hairsticks again!" Catia exclaimed. "And these are the nice rosewood ones!"

"I thought your nice ones were your canary wood ones," Lily pointed out.

"Well they _were_, but --"

James cut her off. "But then Catia shut up about her hair."

"Leave her alone!" Lily said defensively. "She likes her hair the way it is! Almost too much..."

"Gee, thanks for the wholehearted support there, Lils," said Catia.

"Why is it that she can call you Lils, but I can't?" pouted James.

"Because we have to go to class," replied Lily, hiking her bag up on her shoulder and striding away rapidly.

"Bloody elves women," James muttered under his breath.

....

In class – scratch that; somewhere where she could have her hair down:

"Argh!" said Catia as quietly as she could manage.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Another split end?"

"Yes! Why is it I always find them when I don't have my shears?"

"So stick to wearing it up if you're going to obsess over it."

"But then the boys steal my hairsticks!"

"We're. In. Class," Lily said firmly.

Indeed, just then, Slughorn noticed their conversation.

"Oho, having a little chit-chat, ladies?"

"My hair!" blubbered Catia.

"Yes, it's quite lovely, my dear, but I rather think that it should be more pulled back when in potions class. We wouldn't want you getting anything nasty in it, now would we?" Slughorn suggested, speaking in first-person-plural in that annoying way people do.

"See?" whispered Lily as soon as Slughorn had turned his back and resumed teaching. "Just leave it back. I'll tell the boys to leave the hairsticks alone."

"How will you manage that?"

Lily smirked. "I have my ways with James."

Catia matched her smirk. "Feminine wiles?"

"Feminine wiles."

"And Sirius?"

"That's up to you. _You're_ the Sue, after all."

"Fine." As Catia rifled through the pockets of her robes, Lily could hear the clattering of plastic, wood, and metal.

"Just how many hair toys do you have in there?"

"Only..." Catia thought for a moment, "wait; are we counting a pair of hairsticks as one or two things?"

"Never mind. It was a rhetorical question. Now will you just get it done with so I can go back to learning?"

"Oh, is _that_ what we're supposed to be doing in here," Catia said. Lily couldn't tell whether or not she was serious. "Okay, okay," Catia said, seeing Lily's odd look. She pulled out a hair slide, quickly swirled her hair into a neat French twist, and secured it.+

....

"Ow!" cried Alice.

"I thought you we're supposed to be good at braiding!" said Lily.

"I am! But crown braids are hard. You know, you could let your grow so I could braid that instead of guilting Alice into letting me abuse her head," replied Catia, and returned to braiding Alice's hair, this time more gently.

"It's no problem. I was overreacting," assured Alice.

"You're too nice for your own good, you know that Alice?"said Lily, "I'm going to regret saying this, but I actually have been thinking about growing out my hair."

"That's great," cried Catia, dropping Alice's braid, "Darn it! Sorry Alice, do you want me to start over?"

"If you want. But can we move closer to the fire? I'm kind of cold."

Catia's eyes grew big. "Hair. Fire. Bad."

Lily attempted to talk Catia down. "Don't worry; we won't set your hair on fire, Catia."

All Catia did was repeat; "Hair. Fire. Bad."

.....

new scene (Common Room):

Catia looked up from examining the end of her braid. "What color would you say my hair is?" she asked suddenly.

"Red," said Sirius.

"Blonde," said Peter.

"Brown," said James.

"Strawberry blonde," said Remus.

"Hair-coloured," said Lily.

"Hair-coloured?" Remus questioned.

"Sure," said Lily. "It's from that book, _A Ring of Endless Light_...which, judging from your expressions, is apparently not on the pureblood – or half-blood – book-of-the-month reading list."

"Hair-coloured hair," said Catia contemplatively. "I like it. Hair-coloured hair it is then."

That evening, when Catia went up to her dorm room _she noticed something. _ With Lily. "Hey, there's a package on my bed!"

"Thanks for announcing that for the blind students," said Snarky, the snarky girl.

"What about the deaf ones?" asked Alice innocently.

"Well, they could see the package, couldn't they?" said Girl#1.

"What if they were deaf _and_ blind?" said Girl#2.

"Then bugger them." said Snarky.

"That's not very nice!" exclaimed Alice.

Meanwhile, Catia was reading the note affixed to her package. "It's from my mum!"

"What is it?" asked Lily, who had been paying much more attention to Catia than the Snarky© girls.

"I'm scared to open it."

"Er, why?" asked Lily.

"Why didn't it come with the post? It's sort of suspicious."

"Well, it _is _ from your mum," pointed out girl two.

Catia frowned. "Are you trying to imply that my mum's suspicious?"

"No! Just the opposite."

Catia scoffed. "Yeah, right."

"There are two ways to interpret 'Well, it _is _from your mum,'" Lily disclosed.

And then Catia went "Meh," and opened it.

"It's...oil?" said Lily, looking over Catia's shoulder.

"Ooh, kinky!" said Snarky.

"Gits. It's _hair_ oil. She said so in the note. Coconut oil, to be specific."

"Use it!" said Lily, getting excited for no apparent reason.

"How?"

"Why am I supposed to know!" said Lily.

"For a massage, duh!" said Snarky. Catia ignored her.

"Just pour it on," said Lily.

"I'll try it after I shower," Catia decided, "once Alice gets out."

"I'm out," said Alice, walking into the room toweling her hair.

"You shouldn't rub your hair like that; it will cause breakage." No need to say who said that, is there? The person whom we don't need to identify entered the shower place whatsit.

20 minutes later...

"Help!" came a plaintive cry from the shower.

Lily rolled her eyes at Alice. "I'll flip you for it," she said, holding out a Knut.

"Heads," Alice said as Lily tossed the coin.

"It's tails. You get to go help Catia with her latest hair crisis."

"Guys?" Catia whined, still in the bathroom.

"Coming!" said Alice. With one last exasperated look at Lily, she entered the Bathroom of Hair Disasters.

20 more minutes later...

The voices coming from the bathroom were gaining in volume.

"Catia, get out of the bathroom already!"

"No! I'm not letting anyone else see me like this!"

"Sirius is in the common room," Alice said in her most enticing voice.

"You sound like you're a parent talking to a little kid."

There was some quieter talking that Lily couldn't decipher from her dorm. Finally, Catia and Alice emerged. Catia's hair simply looked wet.

"What was the crisis about?" asked girl #1.

"Don't try to flatter me. You're just pretending you can't tell," replied Catia.

"I really can't tell!" insisted girl #1.

"Hmph," said Catia, sitting on her bed and pulling the curtains closed.

"We couldn't tell either at first," Lily said to girl #1, "apparently she over-oiled it."

"I can hear you, you know!" called Catia, "It looks horribly greasy, so stop pretending you can't tell."

"Ha ha! You have Snape hair," said Snarky viciously. A sniff came from Catia's bed.

"Shut up Snarky, you couldn't tell until she told you. Really Catia, no one can tell," said Lily.

Zblerghanek

"Catia, come on, I'm hungry!" called Lily, "Alice and girl # 2 have already gone to breakfast!"

"Go without me!" yelled Catia from the bathroom.

"You always say that, then get mad if I actually do leave. What are you doing in there anyway? You know, your hair always looks fantastic no matter what."

"Just go. I _promise_ I won't get mad."

Lily sighed, but grabbed her bag and walked towards the door, "I'm going to hold you to that. Even if you're late for class, it's not my fault."

"Fine!" Catia felt intensely [intensely???] relieved after she heard the door to the dorm close. [A.N: that sucked. Fix it.] She was, in fact, fixing her hair, and was getting extremely frustrated. She was trying to put her hair into a simple hairstick bun, so she could easily take in down to show everyone her new hair length at breakfast. This was not as easy as it sounded. It was becoming obvious that she simply had too much hair for a bun like this, even though she had insanely long 9" hairsticks. She eventually did an infinity bun, because all though her hair wouldn't fall as easily(rephrase), at least it would stay in until she got to that point.

Finally ready, she crept out of the dorm Mission-Impossible style. She started humming the theme song, and the creeping turned into something resembling dancing. She tried to dance out through the portrait hole, but tripped over the bottom edge. "Ow," she stated as she landed outside the hole with a thump. "I guess that's why we always crawl through it..." She picked herself up, and checked her (magical) watch. Seeing that breakfast would be over in ten minutes, she ditched the dancing for running as she made her way to the Great Hall.

Still running, she approached the Great Hall. Too late, she noticed that the doors were closed, and slid headfirst into them. "Ow," she said for the second time that day. "Stupid marble floors...who's bright idea was it to put marble floors in a castle, anyway? And why do I keep hurting myself?" then she stopped talking to herself for the audience's benefit, and opened the door. She started to walk in, trying to decide on her plan for showing her hair. Any plan she might have formulated at the moment was rendered unusable by a bang. A very _loud_ bang_. _Catia nearly jumped, then realised it was just the

door. This did not comfort her for very long, though, because then she noticed everyone staring at her.

Catia froze. She totally forgot why she was standing in the middle of the Great Hall with everyone staring at her. "Um, hi?" she said. Her voice echoed in the quiet room. But then everyone got bored and went back to eating. "Hey wait!" she said, remembering her plan. "Look at me, everyone!" Of course, this didn't work. No one ever looks when you want them to. "Er...Sirius Black snogs his owl!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. It worked. Everyone turned to look at her and...

CLIFFIE!

Catia swiftly took out her hairsticks and shook out her hair shampoo-commercial style. Despite the fact that she didn't actually use shampoo (she used conditioner only – see author's note below), nor did she watch commercials (they were against her religion, plus there were no TV's in Hogwarts).

"Oi! I don't snog my owl!" yelled Sirius almost simultaneously. But no one was paying attention. They were too busy looking at Catia quizzically. No one could figure out what was going on. So what if Catia had long hair? They knew that already. So gradually the students returned to their breakfast. Catia was still standing in the middle of the room, looking hurt. No one had noticed the phenomenal growth her hair had undergone over the summer. She stood there until Alice finally got up and dragged her to the Gryffindor table.

"What was all that about?" Lily asked once Catia had sat down.

"My hair grew three inches over the summer!" whined Catia.

"So?" asked James through a mouthful of bacon.

"So that's a humongous amount of growth! And it's finally at my knees!" Catia said angrily. "And no one noticed!"

A stern voice spoke up from behind them; "Yet I assure you, Miss Lastname, that your antics did not go unnoticed." McGonagall had apparently approached the table while they were talking. "However, you have not actually broken any rules as such, and so I find myself annoyed but unable to punish you." She looked highly displeased. "Consider this a warning then. Keep in mind that you have vexed me, and I will be looking to punish you for the slightest infringement." McGonagall stalked off.

"Wow, that was unusually revealing of McGonagall's motives," observed James.

"Yes, but returning to the most important thing; no one noticed my hair!"

"Time for class," stated Lily, pushing the bench out and picking up her book bag. The others followed suit, and they went their separate ways for their NEWT classes.

And then Laila explioded.

"Soooo....How about them Silver Arrows?" asked Catia in an attempt to converse with James on their walk to the DADA room.

"What's with the small talk?" said James, suspecting something suspicious.

"Well, I figure it might be a good idea to figure out what we can talk about, due to 'recent developments,' we might be around each other a lot, and... I've already said too much."

"Huh?" asked James, being a typical oblivious guy.

"Nothing," replied Catia, and attempted to walk ahead of James. Unfortunately, this did not work, since Catia was shorter than James and thus had shorter legs.

"Tell me what you meant," pleaded James.

"No."

"Tell me!"

"No!"

"I'll give you a stolen snitch if you do," offered James.

"No-wait I thought Lily told you to return all those," said Catia.

"Well, I returned them, but..." However, at that moment, they were interrupted by reaching the door. They had been walking side-by-side, and when they reached it, they paused, each uncertain as to who should open it.

"I'll get it," James and Catia said simultaneously. They reached for the handle at the same time, and banged their heads together.

"Ow!" said James.

"Holy mother of Merlin!" said Catia somewhat oddly.

"Er, ladies first?" suggested James.

Catia narrowed her eyes at him. "You know that that's a sexist custom, right?"

"Yes? No? What's the right answer?" Catia glared. "Er, your hair looks pretty today?"

"Nice try, but --"

"_Excuse me!_" said an irritated student attempting to enter the classroom.

"Oh, right," James said. He and Catia stepped aside. After a pause, they noticed that the student was holding the door open for them.

"_Well?_" said the student impatiently. Catia and James hurriedly stepped through, actually managing not to trip over one another in the process.

"Stupid doors and social etiquette..." muttered Catia as they took their seats.

Then the teacher, Professer Sanqvist, entered the room.

"Hello class!" she shouted cheerfully, "today we're going to be working on Disarming Spells!" the class groaned. "Now, none of that! If we can get these down really well, _maybe_ you'll get to do them non-verbally next week! So, everyone get started practicing with the person they're sitting next to."

Catia had been taking down her hair and then putting it back up again, not paying attention. She noticed that everyone was getting up, and asked (to no-one in particular) "Are we still doing disarming spells?"

"Yup," replied James.

There was an awkward silence. "Er, why are sitting next to each other?" Catia finally dared to ask.

"Because they were the only two seats left by the time we figured out how to get through the door?" suggested James.

"But that's not true," pointed out Catia.

"Yes, but it will be easier on everyone if we just go on believing that delusion."

So Catia and James moved to the empty area at the back of the room to practice. This was such an easy task, it created a great opportunity to show the reader Catia's thoughts. She looked around the room to find Rina Qwerty. Rina Qwerty was a Ravenclaw girl that Catia talked to regularly, what one might describe as an "acquaintance friend." They normally sat together, and Catia wanted to make sure she hadn't left Rina partner-less (or paired with someone worse than no partner at all.)

She discovered Rina was busy disarming Thomas Findlehopper. She inwardly smirked; she had long suspected that Rina liked Thomas, and this, she figured, counted as proof. When she looked back at James to see what he was doing (unwrapping bubble gum, apparently) a horrible thought entered her mind.

_What if everyone thought she liked James?_ Or worse, that James liked her back. When she had seen Rina and Thomas together, she automatically assumed was something romantic. What if everyone else thought that way?

"I don't love James!" Catia suddenly blurted out. For the second time that day, all eyes were on her.

James was the first to recover, surprisingly. "That's...good to know, Catia," he said, in a tone which clearly indicated he thought she was losing it.

A giggle started in the corner, and soon the whole class was laughing, including Professor Sanqvist. She tried to stifle her laughter and get everyone to calm down, but quickly gave up, smiling, shaking her head and pulling out some papers to grade.

"Hey Catia!" sneered a nasty Slytherin voice. You could tell it was a Slytherin voice because it was sneering nastily. "I think Lily ought to hear about how you 'don't' love James!"

Catia lifted her gaze from the floor as her eyes got wide with shock. "You wouldn't..."

Fortunately for the Slytherin who might or might not, just then the bell rang. "Class dismissed," said Professor Sanqvist from the front of the room. No one took any notice as they all left.

.....

"Lily!"called Catia, seeing her friend's long(er) red curls from down the hall. The redhead paused for Catia to catch up.

"Lily, did you hear any rumours about what happened in DADA?" Catia said, eyes wide with panic.

"No. How would I have? Didn't DADA just get out for you guys?"

"Good. I wanted to be the first to tell you. I said something really stupid in DADA."

"Er...that's too bad?" said Lily, confuzzled as to why such a regular occurrence would make Catia need to talk to her.

"No, I mean _really_ stupid. This isn't like the time I yelled 'What's masturbation?' to the whole class in first year. It's even worse than the time I informed the class why I had been in the bathroom so long. It's worse than --"

"Get to the point," said Lily impatiently.

"I said that I didn't love James." Lily opened her mouth to speak, but Catia held a hand up for her to be quiet. "The reason I said that isn't because I love him, because I don't. You see, I was thinking about how people assume you're together if you see them sitting together in class, and James and I were sitting together, and so I thought – am I making any sense?" Lily shook her head no. "What I mean to say is; I don't love James."

"That's...good to know?" Lily said, eerily echoing James.

"So you understand?"

"Well, not really. Why on _earth_ would you randomly shout that you didn't love James?"

"Because I don't," said Catia, hoping to get her point across this time.

"What are you saying by that that? Do you mean he's unlovable? Are you implying I'm stupid for loving him?!"

Catia was caught off-guard. "...that's not what I meant. But anyway, did you just admit that you love James?"

"I...I guess I did..."

"Right, then." Catia cleared her throat. "So..."

"Saying 'So...' rarely breaks an awkward silence," Lily said. They heard the bell ring and realised that they were going to be late for Charms, so they abandoned the conversation for the time being and walked in silence. They didn't talk to each other again until...

LATER THAT EVENING:

Catia entered the Great Hall, late for dinner as usual. She approached the Gryffindor table and paused. She usually sat with Lily, but things were too awkward between them. She finally decided to sit with the Marauders, since she knew them better than most of the Gryffindors.

"Hey boys," she said in her most casual tone as she approached. They greeted her in return, but made no attempt to make room for her.

"What did you want?" Remus asked in a neutral tone after a few moments of silence. Since Catia always sat with Lily, he figured Catia had come by for a specific purpose.

"Well, I was hoping I could sit with you guys."

"Oh," replied Remus articulately. "Please have a seat, in that case." He scooted aside for Catia.

"Wait!" cried Sirius, just as Catia was swinging her leg over the bench. She waited. "Are you sure you want to sit there, Catia? I mean, James would be right across from you, and we all know how uncomfortable that would be, since you don't love him." Sirius couldn't keep a straight face any longer, and started giggling.

Catia was appalled. "James, you told them about that?"

James looked guilty. "Well – I --"

"See?" Sirius said to James in a stage whisper. "She's all embarrassed. It means she really does love you."

"I heard that, and I do NOT love James!" Catia said, attempting to keep her voice down as her temper rose. "Screw this! I'm sitting somewhere else!"

"Okay," said James.

"Fine," said Sirius.

"Good by me," said Peter.

"This is acceptable," said Remus.

Catia extricated herself from the bench's woody grasp, and searched for somewhere else to sit at the Gryffindor table. Because in this fic they're only allowed to sit at their own House table. Looking around desparately for anyone she knew, Catia spotted Alice and Frank fawning over one another. "It'll have to do," she said with a sigh.

"Hello Alice, hello Frank," she said as she approached them from behind.

"Hello Catia," they said in obnoxiously cute unison.

"Can I sit here?"

"Certainly," said Alice, and she made room for Catia between herself and Frank. (It seemed logical at the time.) And then, to Catia's horror, they resumed their fawning.

"Does my honey-bunny want any more of the meat pies?" cooed Frank, leaning forward around Catia.

"I'm sure I couldn't resist another bit if my snuggums fed it to me," replied Alice. Even more to Catia's horror, Frank actually reached around her with a forkful of meat pie to put it in Alice's mouth.

"Open up for the choo-choo train!" he said, making train noises. Catia did her best not to interpret that sexually, and leaned back, praying that the meat pie would make its way to Alice's mouth successfully. Fortunately, it did.

"Mmm, that was delicious, sugar plum," said Alice after finishing chewing. Catia was ready to throw up from the sweetness of it all.

"Guys, I seem to have lost my appetite," Catia said. It was certainly true enough. "I'm going back to the common room." Alice and Frank barely seemed to take notice as she left.

LATER _LATER_ THAT EVENING...

Lily and Girls #1 and #2 arrived back in the Common Room, and Lily immediately heard her name being called. Catia was walking rapidly toward her.

"I just wanted to say --"

"That you admit you're a bitch for loving James?"

"Hey, people can't help their feelings!"

"Oh, so you _do_ love him?"

"No, I was just getting sidetracked by an irrelevant point. I'm a ditz; you know that."

"Yeah, you certainly proved that when you were stupid enough to admit that you love _my man_ in front of your whole class."

"I said I _didn't_ love him! And you know what? I'm out of here. I'll be in the kitchens catching the dinner I didn't get (thanks to you) if anyone else wants to tell me about my own feelings."

LATER LATER _LATER _THAT EVENING...(OKAY, OKAY, SO IT WAS ACTUALLY NIGHT BY NOW...)

Catia sneaked sneakily down the hall. She reached the painting of fruit and blah, blah, blah, I'm sure you know how it goes. When she got inside the kitchens she was surprised to find _someone else_; Sirius.

"What are you doing here?" demanded Catia.

"Getting food; you?"

"Hah you only have one reason! I have two, hunger, and self-pity. Therefore you should leave, and I should stay."

"But you can wallow in self-pity anywhere, but we both need the kitchens for eating, and thus are evenly matched."

Catia stared at Sirius in shock, "When did you get smart?"

"...yesterday?"

"Never mind, I retract my statement."

"Why?"

"'Yesterday' is a stupid response to my question."

"Oh. So, is the whole self-pity thing about the incident with James?"

"More like the incident with the whole school," grumbled Catia.

"Now now, you never said you didn't love the whole school," quipped Sirius. One glance at Catia's face told him he shouldn't have said that. "At any rate, keep your chin up. It'll all blow over soon."

Catia gave him an odd look. "Who gave _you_ an Optimism Potion tonight?"

"Hey! I know just the way to distract you from your self-pit—I mean, to cheer you up."

"Smooth is not your middle name, is it?"

"No. But anyway, I have a plan that probably will only end in ruin, but will be very amusing along the way."

"Great. I'm all for it," said Catia in a monotone.

"Listen. If you don't want people to think you're in love with James, you have to hook up with someone else. Of course, then people might think that you're only trying to make James jealous, but--"

"Persuasive isn't your middle name either, is it?"

"No. So who should you hook up with?" Sirius said thoughtfully, stroking his imaginary beard. "Oh wait! I know! How about you go out with me?"

"Able-to-act-in-order-to-manipulate-people isn't your middle name either, is it?"

"...you know that one was a stretch, right?" Catia nodded. "And by a stretch, I mean a Herculean act of contortion."

"...righto. Remind me why I'd want to go out with you?"

"Because who could resist this smile?" Sirius said, flashing her a grin.

"Apparently me," said Catia stubbornly.

"Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun," Sirius said. Catia folded her arms over her chest. "I'll pout if you don't."

"I'm immune to your pouting after so many years of it." Sirius pouted. Catia caved. "Oh, fine. We'll try it tomorrow and see how it goes."

"Yay!" said Sirius happily. "We'll have James jealous in no time at all!" Catia glared. "Kidding, kidding..."

"Soooooo, how are we going to do this? Please don't tell me we have to be like Alice and Frank," said Aitac.

"Hey that's a great idea!" Catia glared at him once again. "Kidding, kidding..."

"That sounds oddly familiar."

"Yes, yes it does."

"Seriously, though. Are we going to, like, kiss?" said Catia, trying to get back on topic. Sirius looked shifty.

"If you want to?" he finally replied. Catia thwacked him. "I hate those questions that only have one good answer," Sirius grumbled. "No, then, alright?"

"Oh," said Catia. Sirius thought she seemed disappointed. "Because I was kind of hoping..."

"Hoping what?"

"...that we might, er, practice a bit..." she said, looking up at him doe-eyed.

"Well in that case..." he said, leaning in and closing his eyes.

"Thwacking upside the head!" yelled Catia, thwacking him extra-hard now that she'd gotten him within better range. "That was also for your wrong answer to the question," she informed him.

"Nice to know why I'm getting thwacked," Sirius said, rubbing his head where she'd thwacked him.

"Yes, isn't it?" mused Catia.

"So how about you sit on my lap at breakfast tomorrow?" suggested Sirius.

"Bleargh!" cried Catia. Sirius thwacked her. "What was that for!" she yelled. Sirius shrugged.

"Do you have a better suggestion for how to make it obvious to everyone?"

"Well, no," admitted Catia, "I guess I will." Sirius tried not to look _too_ happy.

LATER LATER LATER _LATER _THAT EVENING. I MEAN, THE NEXT MORNING...

That morning Catia prepared herself for battle. She took extra care with her uniform, made her hair up in a heart-shaped braid, and even used a little Ida's Mystical Make-up for Witches. (The variety for wizards wasn't nearly as popular.)

"Whoa," said Lily, doing a double-take as she saw Catia come out of the bathroom. "Still trying to impress James?"

"Shut up. As a matter of fact, I am now going out with a certain Sirius Black, as of last night in the kitchens," Catia replied haughtily.

"Oh, so you're trying to make James jealous, eh?"

"In case you haven't noticed," said Catia with a glare, "Sirius Black is a very attractive boy. Is it so impossible that I could simply be dating him just because I want to?"

"Well, yes. I distinctly remember you saying 'Why would anyone want to go out with Sirius Black?' way back in fourth year," retorted Lily.

"Well if you can change your opinion about James, why can't I change my opinion about Sirius?"

Lily burst out laughing.

"What?" asked Catia.

"Do you know how stupid this sounds?! It's just like a soap opera!" said Lily between spasms of laughter.

"Is this where I'm supposed to start laughing too, and then our whole problem is resolved?" asked Catia. Lily nodded.

"Well too bad then!" said Catia, and stormed out of the dorm. [Hey, that kinda rhymed! And so did that!]

Catia successfully made it to the Great Hall without tripping over herself.

"Sweetie!" came a cry from across the room. Sirius was smiling broadly, leaning back from the table to face Catia with arms outstretched. Catia tried not to puke. She forced herself to smile as she approached him.

"How are you today, dearest?" she said in her chirpiest voice as she gave him a hug. He pecked her on the cheek as they hugged. "Don't push your luck," muttered Catia into his ear.

"So you two are together then?" asked Peter, who was sitting with Sirius along with the other Marauders.

"Yes, Peter, we've been over this," said Remus in a tired voice.

"No. How'd you know already?"

"Sirius told us!" James said. "Geez, talk about your short-term memory loss."

"Oh," said Peter. "I was probably either taking a shower right then or not paying attention."

"...it's not every day that those two activities can be logically placed in a sentence together," said Remus. Sirius looked deep in thought. "And no, Sirius, you cannot interpret that sexually." Catia thwacked him (Sirius, that is. Not Remus.)

"What was that for?!" cried Sirius. Catia just gave him a look (OF DOOM!) Then Catia noticed that she really ought to be sitting down by now. She freaked out. She was supposed to sit on Sirius' lap. It seemed so daunting.

"_I can do this," _she thought, _"wait, no I can't. AAAAAGH!"_

Just then, Sirius grabbed her by the waist and pulled her into his lap. Since he was in an awkward position to do so, this entailed much people-toppling and food-spilling. "Er...sorry?" said Sirius. Catia detangled her arms and legs from Sirius', James', and Peter's. (Remus was smart enough to sit on the other side of the table from Sirius as a rule.) The various people involved cast cleaning charms on themselves. "Honey, would you like a seat?" Sirius asked belatedly, patting his lap.

"Sure," said Catia, struggling not to roll her eyes. She climbed onto Sirius' lap. Which was difficult, given that he was sitting on a bench at a table.

"You have a bony butt," Sirius observed.

"You would prefer I had more padding?" asked Catia sharply.

"Well actually..." started Sirius. Catia sent an elbow back toward his ribs. "Ow!"

"Sorry, _sweet-pea_," Catia said in an overly-sweet tone.

"You two are..." began Remus.

"Not all that cute together?" suggested James.

"I was going for something like 'peculiar and vexing,' but I suppose what you said about sums it up."

"Er, you'll get cuter as you go along?" said Peter in a horrible attempt at saying something comforting.

"Huh?" said Sirius. Catia thwacked him once again, but was not able to do so very hard, seeing as she was on his lap with no room to turn around. Sirius decided to ignore this one since it didn't hurt.

"Thank you, Peter," said Catia, over-politely. Peter could tell she was just trying to be nice.

"Forget I said anything," he mumbled. No one heard him.

"Hello, Catia," said a cool voice that seemed to come from nowhere. Catia was so startled she fell off of Sirius' lap. Lily laughed nastily.

"Ow," commented Catia. No one took much notice, as she seemed to say that a lot.

"Should I congratulate the happy couple on their newfound romance?" Lily suggested icily. "Oh wait, that's right, this is all just a charade to make James jealous."

"Lily, you seem a little edgy about Catia supposedly wanting James," Remus pointed out from behind the Daily Prophet he was using to appear aloof.

"Darn right I'm edgy!" confirmed Lily.

Remus put down his paper and looked Lily in the eye. "Why?"

Lily was stumped. "Er...James...I...Catia..."

"_Does that mean she likes me?_" James asked Remus in a too-loud whisper.

"I heard that!" said Lily.

[slytherin has totally forgotten about it when Catia later confronts him/her; wouldn't have told Lily anyway]

love dodecagon

"Look at this new bun I figured out!" Catia called out excitedly as she skipped over to where the group was sitting. "Lookie, lookie!" she said, pivoting so they could see it.

"Cool, what are you going to call it?" asked Alice.

"I was thinking of calling it --"

"Hey, it looks like a cervix!" Sirius exclaimed.

"-- an orchid bun," Catia finished, glaring at Sirius.

"You should call it a cervix bun!" Snarky, who had been eavesdropping, called out from a couple of seats down. She laughed nastily.

"How would you know, anyway?" Remus asked Sirius, looking slightly disturbed.

"Er...I was a gynecologist in a former life?" Sirius said.

"Any excuse to look at girly bits, eh?" James said jocularly.

"So, Catia, how do you know all this about hair care, anyway?" asked Remus during a lull in the conversation, "Like how you keep it up all the time."

"And she's really good at braiding," added Alice.

"She learned a lot of it from her mum," Lily told Remus.

Catia nodded entusiastically, "Her hair is almost to the floor! She's Indian, you know. She's always taught me that keeping hair in a bun or braided protects it. She knows all this cool stuff about oils, and herb washing, and-"

"I'm sure you get the idea," Lily cut her off.

"Hmm," said Remus, interested.

"Wait, if you mother is Indian, why do you have light hair?" asked James.

"Her hair is red!" said Sirius.

"James brings up a good point, dark hair is dominant," said Remus.

"It's not her real mother. Her real mother died when she was young," Lily explained.

"_She is too my real mother!_" Catia cried indignantly.

"Not in blood, though," Lily said.

"You'd think a Muggle-born would know that blood's not everything," Catia shot back.

"Um, Catia?" Remus asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"Aren't _you_ Muggle-born, too?"

"Well, kind of..."

"How can you be _kind of _Muggle-born?" Lily wondered not unkindly.

"My 'real' parents are both Muggles, but my -- ahem -- _not real_ mother is a witch, so I knew some things about the wizarding world even before Hogwarts."

"Well that certainly sparks a nature versus nurture debate," commented Remus.

"We aren't debating," pointed out Sirius.

"He meant in theory," said Lily.

"What exactly do you mean, Remus?" Alice asked curiously.

"Well, it's always been assumed that magic is genetic, that you get it from your 'real parents'. However, Catia is technically Muggle-born, but was raised with magic. So is she magic because of her stepmother, or is it just coincidental, like any other Muggle-born?"

"I think it's just a lucky coincidence," said Peter.

"Well _I _think we should get back to talking about my hair," commented Catia.

"Nope. Bored of that," James said, casually tipping back in the common room's rocking chair. "Whoa," he said to himself after it almost tipped over backwards and he had to lean forward suddenly to right himself.

"Anyway, one of the herbs she taught me about for washing is amla, and it also adds curl to some people's hair. I find that it enhances my natural waves, depending on--"

"Oh _Merlin_, somebody cut off this girl's hair so that we don't have to hear about it anymore!" James whined.

"Oh _Merlin_, somebody cut off this boy's wan--" Catia began to mimic, but was interrupted by Alice.

"Fight nice!" Alice exclaimed firmly.

"Aww, that's no fun," whined Catia.

"Why don't you braid my hair?" suggested Alice.

Catia's eyes lit up. "Can I do a five-strand braid?!"

"Uh, sure," said Alice, "Where do you want me to sit?"

"Alice, bravely sacrificing herself to save the rest of us!" cried Sirius dramatically, "Alice, we salute you!"

"That's the wrong arm," pointed out Remus as Sirius lifted his arm to actually salute Alice.

"I knew that!" snapped Sirius.

"Anyway, I like it when Catia braids my hair," said Alice.

"Well so there," said Catia, sticking out her tongue at Sirius.


End file.
